


Remember, you have to remember

by debwalsh



Series: Deb’s Fictober Surprise! [26]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Declarations Of Love, First Kiss, Injured Bucky Barnes, M/M, Pining, Protective Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 07:20:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16471223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/debwalsh/pseuds/debwalsh
Summary: When Bucky is seriously injured, Steve won’t leave his side.  He turns his back on Captain America to be there for his best friend.  And while he’s there, he talks.  He talks for days and weeks, and no one knows what he’s saying.  Except perhaps the one person he needs to hear him.





	Remember, you have to remember

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes, I seriously don’t know where stories come from. It’s not like there’s a story stork who brings them all wrapped up in a bundle. Sometimes they just grow out of the ether, and leave me drained after. I really kind of love this.

“Steve, we’ve done all we can. It’s up to James now.”

Steve lifted his head from where he’d rested it on Bucky’s bandaged hand, and looked blearily at Bruce. “Thanks,” he whispered, his voice little more than a breath in a throat that had closed with fear days ago.

While Bruce wasn’t “that kind of doctor” as he frequently claimed, he was one of the world’s greatest authorities on the serum and how it affected both Steve and Bucky. With assistance from Helen Cho and Shuri, he led the team that had been working with Bucky since they’d recovered him from the blast site ... days ago, Steve thought.

Buck had been in surgery for hours, days, Steve wasn’t sure any longer. Time didn’t make sense when Buck wasn’t with him. And now he was lying still in the bed, his body covered in strange dressings created by Helen Cho, his head encased in some weird device engineered by Shuri, a low level field designed by Bruce radiating calm and healing vibes filling the room.

Steve knew that he would probably be panicking even more without the field. It was one of those things that Bruce had developed for himself for managing the Hulk, and they’d found that the biofeedback was helpful in accelerating the already accelerated healing process that was a gift of the serum. The difference was the field seemed to lessen the pain that rapid healing could cause, pain that they couldn’t manage any other way.

So it was helping Buck to heal, and to heal without as much pain as his extensive injuries would normally cause.

He looked at Bucky’s sleeping face, and the calm, the peace, made him feel marginally better. But the web of healing tissue on his face and across his scalp where they’d had to shave his hair off to deal with the head wounds ... those filled Steve with terror.

“How ... how bad? The head wounds ... how bad do you think it is?”

“In anyone but the two of you, bad. Really bad. He suffered sufficient damage to result in significant traumatic brain injury. But I gotta be honest, Steve. I observed while Shuri worked on his brain - I’ve never seen anything like it. While she was working, his brain tissue was regenerating before our eyes. And with her equipment, we could actually see the synapses rewiring, rewriting his brain -“

“Rewriting. Does that mean his memory will be affected?”

“I honestly don’t know. I mean, James’s brain has already been through so much, and he already has gaps that he doesn’t seem able to recover. It’s possible there might be more memory loss. But based on what I saw, I think there’s a very good chance that his brain will recover fully. Look, I didn’t mean to worry you. You’ve got enough on your plate. It was just ... nothing short of miraculous, what I witnessed.”

“Okay,” Steve said, willing himself to breathe normally, even if his lungs felt like they were going to pack up on him like when he was younger. His heart, too. “Okay,” he repeated, sliding his palm under Bucky’s bandaged hand to hold it, to feel the warmth of his skin against his. The beat of his pulse. He was alive. He had the best minds in the world working to fix him up. And the serum that ran through his veins might not be the same as Erskine’s, but it had kept him alive through so much already.

“Shuri has some ideas for normalizing his serum. To make it closer to yours. I know that’s not something either of you have ever asked for -“

“No, we haven’t. I didn’t think anyone was doing research into it anymore -“

“Not research so much as she noticed some things when she was working on James, and she thinks she can improve on it for him. You know what she’s like. I’m a certified genius, and I feel like an idiot half the time next to her.”

That startled a laugh out of Steve, and he clamped his hand over his mouth to stifle it.  

I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

“Well, Tony won’t admit it, but he feels the same way sometimes. She is really remarkable. And T’Challa’s no slouch, either.” Bruce drew a deep breath and nodded to himself. “Now we just have to trust to James himself, and time.”

“Would improving the serum improve his chances?”

“Possibly. But now’s not the time to be tinkering with it. It’s something to think about when James is better. Recovered.”

“Yeah. Recovered,” Steve repeated. “I’m going to look forward to that.”

&&&

Recovery was a slow process. Horribly, terrifyingly, and unfairly slow. Steve never left the med bay, moving into the room with Bucky. The dresser drawers were full of both Bucky and Steve’s clothes, and the bathroom was full of their combined toiletries. Steve slept, bathed, ate, in the suite with Bucky, and nothing anyone could say could pry him out of the tiny space. The only time he’d leave would be when they wheeled Bucky out for tests or therapy. The only time Steve unknotted his muscles and worked out was when the physical therapists worked with Bucky’s unconscious body, trying to retain muscle tone for when he woke up. It was the most hopeful time of Steve’s day, those sessions designed to give Buck an edge in his recovery.

An attack on Washington, DC by an AIM cell wasn’t enough to pull him away.

Fox News decrying his “unnatural relationship” with Sergeant Barnes wasn’t enough to draw him out.

Natasha pinching his ear and trying to drag him away wasn’t enough to budge him.

Finally, the world just fell away, and Steve kept his vigil, murmuring quietly to himself and to Bucky as he did.

&&&

“Is he praying? Does Captain America pray?” Bruce asked.

Sam shrugged. “He’s mentioned faith and God before, but I honestly don’t know what his religious beliefs are.”

Natasha frowned. “You know, he’s much more private than any of us realized. And his relationship with Barnes ... Fox News is full of shit, but I gotta wonder -“

Sam snorted. “If his teammates are a bunch of old gossips? Yeah, think they are. What’s between them is between them. What they need right now is our support. Cap’s not going back into the field until Barnes is okay. So we gotta carry the slack.”

Clint shook his head. “What if? I mean, what if Barnes isn’t okay? It’s been two weeks, and he still hasn’t woke up. Shuri‘s getting worried. Bruce is getting worried,” he added pointing to Banner, who nodded. “What if Barnes doesn’t wake up?”

“Then we figure it out. Who picks up the shield in his place. Because Steve Rogers won’t be leaving his side. If I’ve learned anything about that man, it’s that. Bucky Barnes comes first with Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not the same person as Captain America,” Sam said with conviction.

“Wings is right. Rogers is not going to abandon Barnes. It’s not in his DNA. Dad used to talk about the loyalty between them. He wondered, too. I don’t think there’s anything to wonder about. it doesn’t matter if they’re just friends or if they’re something else. Rogers will not leave Barnes behind,” Tony Stark replied with authority.

“So ... all we can do is wait,” Natasha summed up.

“No, we can make things as easy as we can for Steve. No more trying to get him out of that room - it ain’t happening, Nat. Let’s support him, take the pressure off. For the foreseeable future, Captain America is on hiatus. Fox News can go screw itself. We’ll figure out what to do with the shield later.”

“You want it, Wilson? Steve’d probably be happy for you to pick it up.”

“I wanna hear that from Steve. But if he wants me to, I’d be proud to carry on his mission.”

&&&

Hours bled into days, and the days disappeared into weeks. Steve had a vague sense of the passage of time, not because he was paying attention, but because Bucky’s hair started to grow back. The nurses waited until Bucky’s face fully healed before asking Steve if he wanted Buck to get a shave. He ran his fingers through the beard on Bucky’s face, deceptively soft even was it was thick and luxurious. Buck had always liked being clean-shaven, and once he’d broken programming, he’d started shaving himself again. He wasn’t above a sexy scruff, but overall, he liked skin rather than fur on his face. Steve had given his permission.

But the hair on his head came in splotchily at first, given the sutures and white lines of healing flesh. Eventually, the sutures were removed, and it was clear the skin was healing. Before long, the lines disappeared, and hair started to grow everywhere, coming back as thick and lustrous as it had always been. His hair was something Bucky had always been vain about, proud that he had such a head of hair, and no expectation of baldness, considering the hirsute history of both parental lines.

So the hair grew, and Steve took responsibility for its care. Gently washing his hair once the wounds were healing, tenderly combing out the tangles, carefully arranging it so it showed him off to its best advantage, and fondly carding his fingers through the soft strands as he murmured to Bucky.

No one asked what Steve said to Bucky in those weeks. No one dared to intrude on the bubble of grief and longing that hung over them, the man in the coma, and the man who’d never leave him.

Steve was talking in that low tone of his, glancing at Bucky every so often as if waiting for a reaction. It had become so much habit now that he didn’t notice at first when there was one, but when he felt the squeeze of Bucky’s fingers around his hand, Steve stopped breathing for fear of breaking the spell.

Steve’s eyes widened at the soft sigh as Bucky shifted slightly in the bed, turning his head unassisted for the first time in ... God, who knew how much time had passed? His hair was as long as it was before the accident now. Steve swallowed convulsively at the sight of movement behind Bucky’s eyelids. REM sleep, he remembered Bruce callling it. Sleep, not coma.

He waited another few minutes, watching the subtle changes in the way Bucky’s body worked, the increasing level of sheer Buckyness evident in his features, everything about him.

“Remember,” he said softly. “You have to remember.” And then he pressed the call button.

&&&

“We should know for sure in a few hours. He’s sleeping now - real sleep, curative sleep. Steve, maybe now’s a good time for you to get some rest -“

“No. Thank you, Bruce. But no. I wanna be here when he wakes up. I need to be here when he wakes up.”

“Yeah, no. I get it. We’re hoping for the best outcome here, Steve. But you gotta be prepared ...”

“I understand, Bruce. I do. I’m fine.”

“You’re sure? I mean, any one of us would be happy to sit with you -“

“Nah. You all have stuff to do. I’m good. Really.”

“O-Kay,” Bruce answered doubtfully, but he finally took Steve at his word and left him alone.

Steve looked at Bucky’s sleeping features and smiled to himself. He’d always thought that Bucky was beautiful when he slept. Cares eased away, weariness disappeared. Years dropped. And now that he was sleeping and not in a coma, Steve could see more of Bucky’s personality coming to the surface. More of the shine that radiated through his pores.

The others would think him fanciful. He was sure they suspected how he felt about Buck, and he honestly couldn’t give two fucks about that. The only person whose opinion mattered was Buck. And he wasn’t talking. Not yet, at least.

&&&

Sometimes, even super soldiers need to sleep. Sometimes they push themselves too far and too hard and too long, and their super soldier metabolisms just step in and take over.

That’s why Steve had slumped over Bucky’s sleeping form, his hand still held in his, and fallen asleep, drooling into the blanket tucked around Bucky’s torso.

That’s why Steve didn’t notice the change at first. The way Bucky’s breathing changed, the tension that thrummed through his body, the subtle shifts in his muscles. The hand that gently carded through his hair, the tenderness of the touch that gradually drew him back to wakefulness.

He lifted his head, blinking blearily, and found himself looking into a pair of open gray-blue eyes as the hand in his hair shifted to stroke along his neck and shoulders.

The smile that met him was one he’d never seen before, at least never directed at him. Maybe a girl or two back in the day. Dot, maybe. But never him.

“I heard you,” Bucky said softly, then grimaced and swallowed. “Water?” he asked with an uncomfortable rasp.  

That mobilized Steve and he reached for the sippy cup the nurse had brought in earlier, immediately missing the warmth of Bucky’s touch when he turned away and Buck’s hand fell back on the bed. Bucky’d been on IVs for however long he’d been in here, with lip balm applied to his lips so they wouldn’t get chapped, and water-laden sponge pops used to lubricate his mouth periodically. But as he approached consciousness, actual water that he could swallow was finally needed.

Bucky sipped carefully, while Steve hovered anxiously to take it back from him. Bucky smiled and nodded, letting Steve take it and set is carefully, almost reverently on the bedside table.

“Hi,” Steve said then, his voice small and just on the edge of tears.

“Hi,” Bucky replied, smiling. He lifted his hand from where it rested on the covers, and cupped Steve’s cheek with it, his touch gentle, soft. “I heard you,” he repeated.

“Somebody said it was good to talk to coma patients. Let them know there’s a world outside their heads, I guess.”

“So you told me stories about our lives together. I heard them all, I think. But I heard the words you didn’t say, too, punk.” He swallowed again, and Steve handed him the cup again. Bucky drank more deeply this time, and Steve debated warning him to take it slow when Bucky handed it back.

“Don’t know what you mean,” Steve said, feeling suddenly exposed.

“Sure you do. I didn’t realize I’ve been hearing you say the same thing since we were kids. And I feel the same way. I always have.”

“Buck?” Steve asked, feeling hopeful and terrified all in the same breath.

Bucky’s hand moved so he traced Steve’s lower lip with his thumb. “I love you, too. And I think I’d get better a lot faster if you’d just kiss me already.”

“Anything to help you get better, jerk,” Steve agreed, and scooted closer so he could do just that.

&&&

Neither of them noticed the soft click of the door being closed, or the quiet footfalls of the duty nurse who’d poked her head in when she’d seen the change in Sergeant Barnes’s readings, or the silent high-fives shared around the nurses’ station as she reported that the Captain and his Sergeant had finally gotten together.

END 

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my favorites, I think. What did you think?


End file.
